Changes

Yesterday I mulled (not moped, mulled) :o) over my blog post and everything behind it.  While doing that I ate healthy, drank water, and acheived all 5 of my daily goals.  Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and kindness yesterday.  I often think if I write a sad or not-so-upbeat post that people will stop reading before getting to the end.  So thank you for getting all the way through.

Anyway, although I know it is going to be hard as I have been lazy about this for so long, it is time to make some life changes (again).

So I downloaded the free trial of the calorie king software.  And I have to say - I like it a lot.  So I will be purchasing that.  Although it is more expensive than the CK membership, I have already stopped visiting CK and feel good with my decision.  I was getting sucked into the pettiness of the forums, and although often I didn't comment, the attitudes and nastiness were wearing me down.  So back to calorie counting.

I will continue with the cycling and walking/running I have been doing.  Once I move (in 3 weeks) I will be riding a much further distance to work so will automatically be ramping things up there.

One thing I will NOT be doing is getting obsessed like last time.  Last time I was doing really well, then all of a sudden I kept getting bits of (unsolicited) advice - eat less sodium, eat more protein, eat less carbs, stick to this macro-nutrient, stick to these micrograms.  AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Seriously - I was doing well then I started to get all this extra advice that I hadn't asked for.  And this was from people who were meant to be supporting me within a forum I was active within.  Stupidly I began to listen to them.  I truly believe that when I started trying to adjust all these teeny tiny things is when it just got too hard and I fell off the wagon with a resounding thump!

So the plan is.  Stick to my calories - try to make them as healthy overall as possible without worrying about the small stuff.  Exercise.  Ignore the advice of others when I KNOW that this basic formula works for me.  Success will follow. 

On to other things....

Last night at cooking class we did 3 recipes.  We did a traditional style Quiche Lorraine that included making my own pastry from scratch, a Tiramisu, and a salad dressing.  I am way behind putting recipes up on my other blog, but once I have moved and things settle down I will catch up.

The salad dressing is divine.  I normally don't like or eat dressing, but I can see me having a tiny drizzle of this on salads.  It is around 40 calories per serve which isn't too bad.  I am going to make up another batch and leave it at work.

The Quiche was lovely.  But very high in calories.  370 calories for 1/8th of the pie, which is quite a small piece.  I had a piece last night, but I had allowed for it for the day so it is okay.  It was actually too buttery for me, so that small piece was enough.  I loved the pastry though but think it would be better in sweet dishes.

The Tiramisu looks great.  Ross did most of it himself.  But I don't eat Tiramisu so the whole thing is his, and it is a pretty big dish!  He is taking some for lunch today.  LOL

As we were leaving class I tripped down 3 steps.  Actually I stepped backwards into thin air coming out the door (mis-judged where the step was) while carrying Ross's Tiramisu.  Somehow I managed to place one foot on the bottom step, but I got thrown forward and as I took another step forward to try and get my balance I came down hard on my right leg.  Somehow I managed to stay upright (and saved the Tiramisu) but my whole right side (from ankle to upper arm) is sore today.  Last night I was in agony, but it settled down overnight.  My back is still pretty sore though.

The plan for tonight was to go for a run, but I will now have to see how I feel.  So my goals for today are:
1)  Stick to calories
2)  Drink my water
3)  Go for a walk (run if I am feeling up to it)
4)  Pack a box for storage
5)  Straighten up in the kitchen

xox

The End

The end of what?  The End of treating myself so badly.  It has got to stop.  Yesterday afternoon I was in a weird kind of funk.  I was quite emotional (hormones I think) and I was tired, and lethargic, and sore from a full day of housecleaning and cooking on Saturday.  We had to do some shopping in the morning and I bought a block of chocolate for us to share after dinner. 

Anyway Ross went out for a while in the afternoon, and what did I do?  I sat down with the chocolate and within 30 minutes it was gone.  I felt sick and I felt awful, but I kept eating.  I was sad and depressed and cried afterwards.  Last night I still felt so awful and I cried myself to sleep. 

This morning I am tired and I have a sugar hangover.

And I am SO ANGRY at myself!!!!!!

Why do I do this.  I would NEVER treat another person with such disrespect.  WHY do I think it is okay to treat myself that way?  And I do it over and over and over again. 

I am putting on weight, I am losing fitness, I am feeling sad a lot of the time, I am hiding away from people.  How did I slip so far backwards into this pit that I swore I would never go back to again?

Often of a morning I draw a card from my deck of Animal Dreaming Oracle Cards by Scott Alexander King.  I just use it as something to think about for the day.  And often it is something that really resonates with me at the time.  This morning I drew 'Butterfly - Transformation'.  It is about the time being right for making changes.  I thought about this as I walked to work, and it is right.  It IS time to make changes.  Changes I made once before and was successful at. 

Last time I did this I spent some time planning what I was going to do and how I was going to do it.  I will do that again.  But in the meantime I will cut the crap.  Eat healthy.  Exercise.  Fine tune as I go.  No more excuses.

Daily Goals
1)  Drink 1.5 litres of water
2)  Ride home from work
3)  Don't snack too much at cooking class
4)  Eat healthy
5)  Don't mope

xox

Struggling

Today is one of those days where I just want to chuck it all in and eat a hamburger with fries washed down with a thick shake. I am sore from yesterdays run. I am tired from a full on weekend. I am bored at work. And I have the beginnings of a cold – headache, sore throat, funny tummy, slight temp – thanks to my lovely sharing husband who has had said cold for several days now.

So here is the thing. How do I get through? So far I have managed to do okay. Lunch and dinner are planned. Healthy snacks abound. I am not hungry. But I just ‘feel’ like eating. And I feel like eating crap.

These are the days when I blow a week of good work in one day. And I don’t want to do that this time. But 25 years of bad habits and giving in when I feel like this are hard to fight. ESPECIALLY when I feel like this… It’s like I am stuck in some sort of vicious circle and I don’t know how to stop it.

Sorry for the depressing blog, but I figured if I write it out it may give me the oomph I need to fight this and have a good day.

xox