Monday, March 15, 2010

The End

The end of what?  The End of treating myself so badly.  It has got to stop.  Yesterday afternoon I was in a weird kind of funk.  I was quite emotional (hormones I think) and I was tired, and lethargic, and sore from a full day of housecleaning and cooking on Saturday.  We had to do some shopping in the morning and I bought a block of chocolate for us to share after dinner. 

Anyway Ross went out for a while in the afternoon, and what did I do?  I sat down with the chocolate and within 30 minutes it was gone.  I felt sick and I felt awful, but I kept eating.  I was sad and depressed and cried afterwards.  Last night I still felt so awful and I cried myself to sleep. 

This morning I am tired and I have a sugar hangover.

And I am SO ANGRY at myself!!!!!!

Why do I do this.  I would NEVER treat another person with such disrespect.  WHY do I think it is okay to treat myself that way?  And I do it over and over and over again. 

I am putting on weight, I am losing fitness, I am feeling sad a lot of the time, I am hiding away from people.  How did I slip so far backwards into this pit that I swore I would never go back to again?

Often of a morning I draw a card from my deck of Animal Dreaming Oracle Cards by Scott Alexander King.  I just use it as something to think about for the day.  And often it is something that really resonates with me at the time.  This morning I drew 'Butterfly - Transformation'.  It is about the time being right for making changes.  I thought about this as I walked to work, and it is right.  It IS time to make changes.  Changes I made once before and was successful at. 

Last time I did this I spent some time planning what I was going to do and how I was going to do it.  I will do that again.  But in the meantime I will cut the crap.  Eat healthy.  Exercise.  Fine tune as I go.  No more excuses.

Daily Goals
1)  Drink 1.5 litres of water
2)  Ride home from work
3)  Don't snack too much at cooking class
4)  Eat healthy
5)  Don't mope

xox

5 comments:

MelBird said...

I'm sending you one big mental cuddle. xoxox

Jess @ THIR said...

Oh, I forgot my 5 things today...
Whoops!

On that note, I have a whole heap of "charity chocolate" in my drawer that I am trying to resist... the mention of a sugar hangover might have almost cured it.

Keep on cracking my lady. You can do it :D

Trace said...

oh I don't know how you waited till the afternoon. From the moment it would have been in the house i would be ripping it open.. and to have chocolate sitting in your draw Jess, I have no control or will power with chocolate. But i Do have one rule and that is if i eat it i will pay for it..I have my hill sprints for that. Kylie you are ok and sometimes we fall, stop beating yourself up, get up and move on. (saying with love n repect) Today is a new day to feel good about being you!. ox Trace

Emz said...

Hey Kylie

*big hugs* I hope you're okay. It's funny, I've been thinking exactly the same thing lately... I just do not respect myself or my body enough to treat it right!!! I feel DISGUSTING half the time, stomach pains, digestion problems, headaches, lethargic and run down ... yet I continue abusing my body!!

How did you go at cooking class? I bet you did GREAT :D Hang in there girl, if you ever need to talk, I'm here.

xox Em

eattolivelivetorun said...

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I feel like alot of times my "old self" is still fighting with my "new self". I find myself binging on food when I'm stressed or really hungry, or drinking more alcohol than I should which then leads back to more food. I get so mad at myself when I do that,and it makes me feel like I have learned nothing. But everyday I get up and I decide that THAT day I will make the right decisions and I will be the new me. Most of the time it works, but sometimes it doesn't. I try to not beat myself up over it, but I know its hard.