The end of what? The End of treating myself so badly. It has got to stop. Yesterday afternoon I was in a weird kind of funk. I was quite emotional (hormones I think) and I was tired, and lethargic, and sore from a full day of housecleaning and cooking on Saturday. We had to do some shopping in the morning and I bought a block of chocolate for us to share after dinner.
Anyway Ross went out for a while in the afternoon, and what did I do? I sat down with the chocolate and within 30 minutes it was gone. I felt sick and I felt awful, but I kept eating. I was sad and depressed and cried afterwards. Last night I still felt so awful and I cried myself to sleep.
This morning I am tired and I have a sugar hangover.
And I am SO ANGRY at myself!!!!!!
Why do I do this. I would NEVER treat another person with such disrespect. WHY do I think it is okay to treat myself that way? And I do it over and over and over again.
I am putting on weight, I am losing fitness, I am feeling sad a lot of the time, I am hiding away from people. How did I slip so far backwards into this pit that I swore I would never go back to again?
Often of a morning I draw a card from my deck of Animal Dreaming Oracle Cards by Scott Alexander King. I just use it as something to think about for the day. And often it is something that really resonates with me at the time. This morning I drew 'Butterfly - Transformation'. It is about the time being right for making changes. I thought about this as I walked to work, and it is right. It IS time to make changes. Changes I made once before and was successful at.
Last time I did this I spent some time planning what I was going to do and how I was going to do it. I will do that again. But in the meantime I will cut the crap. Eat healthy. Exercise. Fine tune as I go. No more excuses.
1) Drink 1.5 litres of water
2) Ride home from work
3) Don't snack too much at cooking class
4) Eat healthy
5) Don't mope