Monday, March 15, 2010

The End

The end of what?  The End of treating myself so badly.  It has got to stop.  Yesterday afternoon I was in a weird kind of funk.  I was quite emotional (hormones I think) and I was tired, and lethargic, and sore from a full day of housecleaning and cooking on Saturday.  We had to do some shopping in the morning and I bought a block of chocolate for us to share after dinner. 

Anyway Ross went out for a while in the afternoon, and what did I do?  I sat down with the chocolate and within 30 minutes it was gone.  I felt sick and I felt awful, but I kept eating.  I was sad and depressed and cried afterwards.  Last night I still felt so awful and I cried myself to sleep. 

This morning I am tired and I have a sugar hangover.

And I am SO ANGRY at myself!!!!!!

Why do I do this.  I would NEVER treat another person with such disrespect.  WHY do I think it is okay to treat myself that way?  And I do it over and over and over again. 

I am putting on weight, I am losing fitness, I am feeling sad a lot of the time, I am hiding away from people.  How did I slip so far backwards into this pit that I swore I would never go back to again?

Often of a morning I draw a card from my deck of Animal Dreaming Oracle Cards by Scott Alexander King.  I just use it as something to think about for the day.  And often it is something that really resonates with me at the time.  This morning I drew 'Butterfly - Transformation'.  It is about the time being right for making changes.  I thought about this as I walked to work, and it is right.  It IS time to make changes.  Changes I made once before and was successful at. 

Last time I did this I spent some time planning what I was going to do and how I was going to do it.  I will do that again.  But in the meantime I will cut the crap.  Eat healthy.  Exercise.  Fine tune as I go.  No more excuses.

Daily Goals
1)  Drink 1.5 litres of water
2)  Ride home from work
3)  Don't snack too much at cooking class
4)  Eat healthy
5)  Don't mope



Anonymous said...

I'm sending you one big mental cuddle. xoxox

Jess @ THIR said...

Oh, I forgot my 5 things today...

On that note, I have a whole heap of "charity chocolate" in my drawer that I am trying to resist... the mention of a sugar hangover might have almost cured it.

Keep on cracking my lady. You can do it :D

Trace said...

oh I don't know how you waited till the afternoon. From the moment it would have been in the house i would be ripping it open.. and to have chocolate sitting in your draw Jess, I have no control or will power with chocolate. But i Do have one rule and that is if i eat it i will pay for it..I have my hill sprints for that. Kylie you are ok and sometimes we fall, stop beating yourself up, get up and move on. (saying with love n repect) Today is a new day to feel good about being you!. ox Trace

Emz said...

Hey Kylie

*big hugs* I hope you're okay. It's funny, I've been thinking exactly the same thing lately... I just do not respect myself or my body enough to treat it right!!! I feel DISGUSTING half the time, stomach pains, digestion problems, headaches, lethargic and run down ... yet I continue abusing my body!!

How did you go at cooking class? I bet you did GREAT :D Hang in there girl, if you ever need to talk, I'm here.

xox Em

Anonymous said...

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I feel like alot of times my "old self" is still fighting with my "new self". I find myself binging on food when I'm stressed or really hungry, or drinking more alcohol than I should which then leads back to more food. I get so mad at myself when I do that,and it makes me feel like I have learned nothing. But everyday I get up and I decide that THAT day I will make the right decisions and I will be the new me. Most of the time it works, but sometimes it doesn't. I try to not beat myself up over it, but I know its hard.