Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Thoughts on Fat

I was in the city the other night waiting for a tram to go to Ross's work Xmas dinner. While I was waiting for the tram a young girl came up and stood near me (I say young but she was probably in her early 20's, that's just young to me). :o)

Anyway, this girl was dressed kind of like Abby from NCIS - goth-ish with a bit of flair if that makes sense. I was watching her (not in a creepy way, in a people watching way) and I noticed that people tended to avoid her. They were walking around rather than past, and not stopping nearby if that makes sense.

This girl looked quite happy. Content. She also seemed to find amusement in peoples reactions to her. Like her outfit was doing its job of keeping people away. Almost like she was using it as a barrier of sorts.

It got me thinking...

In a way I am like that. Although I don’t use clothes as my barrier and I don’t find amusement in it. I use my fat as a barrier. It stops me from getting close. It gives me an excuse to remain at a distance. But it doesn’t make me happy.

Whereas this girl was making a conscious choice to stand apart from the crowd, I make an unconscious choice to do the exact same thing every single time I open my mouth and shovel food into it.

There are so many reasons why I am fat. I eat my way through sadness, use food as an emotional crutch, prefer to sit on the couch to exercise… But I have never before considered that this was yet another reason. I may not like it but it keeps me protected. And I like to feel protected.

The thing is, I am missing out. I often say I have never missed out on anything because of my size, but is this true? I use it as an excuse to avoid certain things.

And I don’t want to miss out anymore…

How do I break the habits of a lifetime? Especially at the moment when I am still fighting the residue sadness from the depression I have gone through this year.

I need to give this some serious thought and try to find a way to break through the other side…

100 Days of Gratitude

Day 35
Yesterday I was grateful for generous friends who are happy to pick me up so I don’t miss out on our weekly catch up.

Day 36
Today I am grateful for…. Ok, I am struggling today. Today I am grateful for chocolate. I know it shouldn’t but some days it just makes me feel better…


1 comment:

Ness said...

It's very much a comfort zone thing. I read your post (of course) and I could see how I related to both of you. I was so big that I was running out of options at Autograph! So I wore what fit. I didn't have to think about my clothes cos I didn't have a choice. I wore practical clothes and plain colors so it wouldn't make me look so big (what a laugh!).
Now I do have choices and it scares me!! I'm losing my insulation (fat) and people can see me, see the changes, see my lack of fashion sense (Cos of course they couldn't see me before!!). I'm slowly culling my wardrobe of the "old me". It's going to take a long time for the new me to be comfortable in these new clothes, but it's so worth it. It just takes a step out of my comfort zone every day.
Sorry, I blogged on your blog :-)