I have not been blogging as much as I would like of late. It is because I have been looking inward and reassessing the path of my life. Several things have occurred recently that have made me realise just how far away from my “plan of life” my life has gone.
I know that no-one’s life goes exactly to plan, and that is the beauty of life, the fact that it can be spontaneous and exciting. However, not only is my life nothing like I imagined, I am not the person I wanted to be.
I had so many dreams and aspirations as a teenager and young adult. However my first marriage kind of beat them out of me (and I mean that metaphorically, not literally). My ex was so concerned about appearances, and often so embarrassed by who I was, that he slowly but surely dragged the life out of me.
I think what is getting to me now is that I left that relationship over 7 years ago, yet I am still not who I want to be. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate who I am. I think I am a kind and good person, and I am proud of that. I am not referring to basic values.
I am trying to think of a way to describe this, so that it makes sense. I think the word I am seeking is fear. Everything terrifies me. Change terrifies me. Staying the same terrifies me. Being noticed terrifies me. Going unnoticed terrifies me. As much as I hate to admit it, this does go back to my first marriage. He was so obsessed with how we were perceived by others, that after 14 years together a lot of it did rub off on me. And as much as I want to change and break out of this, I feel trapped by my fear. And this affects everything from the clothes that I wear to the things I say when in public. I want to be perceived as ‘perfect’ yet I know that my insecurities about who I am shine through.
I am blogging about this because I need to get it out there. I have to find a way to move past this. I am content with my life in some ways, yet in others… I need to break the cycle of fear. I need to dress in the clothes I like, even if they are perceived as ‘hippy’ by some. I need to find employment that suits me, not something that just ‘pays the bills’. I need to feel free to do the things I love to do, even if I look foolish or suck at them. I need to break free of the constraints of my past in order to become who I really am.
I was about to apologise for this sounding ‘airy fairy’ (yes I actually typed that) but I am not going to. This is my blog and I need to stop apologising and feeling embarrassed by the things that make me who I am.
So I will just finish by saying thank you for reading this far. I guess I don’t really need comments on this as it is my own rambling thoughts, but if anyone has any tips as to how I can start to move past my past (so to speak) I would love to hear them.