Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Introspection

I have not been blogging as much as I would like of late. It is because I have been looking inward and reassessing the path of my life. Several things have occurred recently that have made me realise just how far away from my “plan of life” my life has gone.

I know that no-one’s life goes exactly to plan, and that is the beauty of life, the fact that it can be spontaneous and exciting. However, not only is my life nothing like I imagined, I am not the person I wanted to be.

I had so many dreams and aspirations as a teenager and young adult. However my first marriage kind of beat them out of me (and I mean that metaphorically, not literally). My ex was so concerned about appearances, and often so embarrassed by who I was, that he slowly but surely dragged the life out of me.

I think what is getting to me now is that I left that relationship over 7 years ago, yet I am still not who I want to be. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate who I am. I think I am a kind and good person, and I am proud of that. I am not referring to basic values.

I am trying to think of a way to describe this, so that it makes sense. I think the word I am seeking is fear. Everything terrifies me. Change terrifies me. Staying the same terrifies me. Being noticed terrifies me. Going unnoticed terrifies me. As much as I hate to admit it, this does go back to my first marriage. He was so obsessed with how we were perceived by others, that after 14 years together a lot of it did rub off on me. And as much as I want to change and break out of this, I feel trapped by my fear. And this affects everything from the clothes that I wear to the things I say when in public. I want to be perceived as ‘perfect’ yet I know that my insecurities about who I am shine through.

I am blogging about this because I need to get it out there. I have to find a way to move past this. I am content with my life in some ways, yet in others… I need to break the cycle of fear. I need to dress in the clothes I like, even if they are perceived as ‘hippy’ by some. I need to find employment that suits me, not something that just ‘pays the bills’. I need to feel free to do the things I love to do, even if I look foolish or suck at them. I need to break free of the constraints of my past in order to become who I really am.



I was about to apologise for this sounding ‘airy fairy’ (yes I actually typed that) but I am not going to. This is my blog and I need to stop apologising and feeling embarrassed by the things that make me who I am.

So I will just finish by saying thank you for reading this far. I guess I don’t really need comments on this as it is my own rambling thoughts, but if anyone has any tips as to how I can start to move past my past (so to speak) I would love to hear them.

xox

4 comments:

Trace said...

Be as "airy fairy" as you like Kylie I will still read your blog as often as you write it. As for your Journey of self, I don't think there is a destination so to speak of. I think that its a decision that you have to make each day to be true to you. Much like weight loss or being healthy and fit.
Still trying to find my way in the dark as well. If I bump into you I promise to compliment you on your wonderful "Kylie hippy look" :) ox Trace

Emz said...

Ahh Kylie, I'm glad you posted this :) I have to say, I do know what you mean... Life feels like it will be so much different when we're younger and we're on the outside looking in to our 'future' self.

It's really important for you to be happy and doing the things you love. So stuff everyone else, do what YOU want, wear what YOU want, and the important people will stick around and keep loving you for the wonderful person you are :)

Must catch up soon!!
Em xo

MelBird said...

Hey! I think that everyone is so worried about what everyone else is thinking about them, that they don't have any time to worry about you. Does that make sense? I agree with Em.....who gives a toss what people think. Your opinion of yourself is the only one that matters.
xoxoxox

swayerm said...

Well done for getting that out there. I think that's part of the mental battle with these things...

I had one of those once I realised that I had to buy new clothes... I am allowed to buy and wear clothes that I WANT to wear, not what people "think" that I should wear... Not that it's that good an analogy, but you know what I mean.

Just as this is your blog, it's YOUR LIFE. It doesn't matter what other people think.
And to be honest, if they are thinking about you, even negatively, take it as a compliment. Because seriously, if they are worried about you, their life must suck pretty hard, huh?

Keep your head up. We're all here for you.