I have spoken on here before about my husbands battle with depression. A battle he has fought and won several times over.
What I haven't really spoken about is my own...
These last few months have been extremely difficult for me. I have mentioned the anxiety in brief but not the full extent of it. For several months I have been having ongoing general anxiety as well as full blown anxiety attacks. It has been almost crippling at times. I have been trying to deal with it as best I can, sometimes with success, sometimes not so successfully. Deep breathing exercises have helped somewhat. The whole time this has been going on I have been aware of it.
What I had been remarkably unaware of, was the depression that also seeped in over the last couple months or so. I am so good at picking up on it in Ross, yet I completely missed it in myself. I think a few of my friends knew something was going on. E asked me several times if everything was okay as I seemed unhappy, but I just blew her off saying work was getting to me. Other friends had noticed I have been remarkably unsocial. But I just claimed I was busy.
Several weeks ago it was bad. Very bad. Which is when I realised what was going on. I won't go into details. Let's just say my thoughts no longer felt as though they were my own, and the severity of them is what made me realise something was very much not right...
As is usual for me, once I am aware of something with my moods, I am usually able to take some sort of control. The first thing I did was go off the Pill. Massive MASSIVE difference. I started taking vitamins again and upped my vitamin B intake. I also realised I was behind in my vitamin D meds, so I caught myself back up. Having these holidays has been a Godsend. I did not realise how much I needed the break.
The other day I also talked to Ross about it. I was so scared to do that as I don't want to trigger anything in him. But he is in such a good place within himself right now that he has been wonderful. Talking about it has made a huge difference.
I am now doing really well and feel almost back to my old self. I am reaching out to old friends and hoping that shutting myself away these last few months has not burned too many bridges.
So why am I sharing this here?
Honestly, I am not sure. Mental health is so often kept in the shadows. We don't talk about it. We are afraid of it almost. I admit to feeling a certain amount of shame. I don't know why. Maybe because I feel like I should always be in control. God knows I have had to be for the last couple of years. But I know I shouldn't. There is nothing shameful about it.
But I think mainly I just wanted to put it out there. I think the key to my recovery is honesty. Also I think I wanted to put some awareness out there. Most people who know me would have had no idea that I have been going through this for months. I am great at covering my feelings. I think I just want people to be aware. That someone close to you may be fighting some pretty serious inner demons they may not be showing you. Keep your eyes open my friends. Your kind word or tender hug at the right time may make all the difference. And may be the line between someones recovery and a fatal alternative.